How to get along with the mother-in-law: simple rules. How to befriend your mother-in-law? Psychologist's advice Love? Simply respect

The appearance of a daughter-in-law for the mother-in-law is tantamount to the appearance of an invader. Not so with the mother-in-law - the sphere of self-realization of the son-in-law, as a rule, is outside the home. So he is not a direct competitor to her. The mother-in-law has to share influence on her son with a strange woman. Every sensible mother comes to terms with the fact that this will happen. But the daughter-in-law begins to create her own house. And further relations between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law largely depend on how much of the usual rights of the hostess remain with the mother-in-law.

Parade of Sovereignties

The topic of communication with the mother-in-law is close to every woman. Out of 100 women, only 2 will sincerely say that they live well with their mother-in-law. The rest either quarrel or feel difficulties in communication in one way or another. It is especially difficult for those who had to live with their mother-in-law in the same house. After all, as you know, two housewives cannot get along in the same kitchen.

As a rule, the mother-in-law constantly sticks her nose into the affairs of her son and daughter-in-law. She tries to educate, teach and even "protect" them. Often such mothers-in-law come across who try in every possible way to breed and quarrel a precious son with a hated daughter-in-law. In general, the mother-in-law has a huge choice of reasons for quarrels and minor disagreements.

And all why? Yes, because every mother-in-law considers herself an expert in all household chores and childcare features. She is not interested in your opinion on this matter. And even if you come across such a mother-in-law who seems to be a quiet, not scandalous old woman, do not flatter yourself, all relatives are good at a distance. You will have many reasons for conflicts.

How to get along with the mother-in-law, we establish life

If the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law have to live in the same house, a lot of issues need to be resolved. Cooking every day or a week ahead? Save money on food or clothes? How often to wash bed linen? When should the child go to bed? How many minutes a day should a child be allowed to watch TV or play on the computer?

Hundreds, thousands of questions are solved by the mistress of the house. And there can only be one owner. Suppose you can share the budget and the refrigerator. But you can not divide the son (husband) and son (grandson), daughter (granddaughter) and noisy guests. Who will become the mistress of the house and what should the second woman do?

The situation is aggravated by the fact that the good housekeeping of one of the women in no way reconciles them among themselves. The better one does, the more the other feels left out. The “better” the daughter-in-law, the harder it is for the mother-in-law to accept her. “I was not good for them, but this one, therefore, is good. I mean, I was a fool, and this one is smart. I raised three children, and she will tell me what to feed the child and how he should be raised. In a house with an “ideal” mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law feels superfluous. “So bring up your children, and this is my daughter.” “You never know how you did all your life, but my mother did differently.” "I'm not your daughter for you to raise me."

Very important demarcate territory in order to live with your mother-in-law without swearing, she must know that you must have personal space. For example, your room with your husband, which she can enter only after knocking on the door. Of course, at first she will resist, tell you about the meaning of life, but over time she will get used to it.

From the very first days of our life together, don't let her raise her voice, to command you, to teach. Stop all attempts. Otherwise, if she realizes that you can be manipulated, then it will be difficult to correct the situation later. Treat her the same way she treats you. It’s good if you manage to share the food, she cooks for her husband, and you cook for yours.

My second mother

There seem to be two ways for a daughter-in-law to get along with her mother-in-law. The first one is traditional and very difficult - to become her "obedient daughter." And the difficulty is not only in giving up power. And the fact that our world is changing too quickly. I remember how my friend fought with her mother-in-law, who constantly cooked milk porridge for her grandson. And my grandson was allergic to milk! The mother-in-law was then an old woman. But the idea that a child might be allergic to milk completely did not fit in her head.

Second way- build your relationship with your mother-in-law as with a woman whose interests intersect with yours, and this is for a long time. Like with a friend or co-worker, for example. Help another woman to realize herself in the common interest, but in the adjacent territory.

It often happens that a woman, not having the strength to do it herself, claims to lead. This happens to daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. (And also with all people in the world.) And, of course, this should not be allowed. Calmly and confidently stand on the fact that the one who does decides what, how and when. You can offer him help or advice, but you can not insist. If you want, ask yourself. As soon as you begin to teach too persistently what and how you should do, invite the person to take up the implementation of the recommendations himself.

And it is best to divide the areas of responsibility in the house. For example, in the kitchen - one indisputable authority, and in relations with children - another. Arithmetic equality is not required.

Do you think that you are absolutely irreplaceable? This, fortunately for everyone, is not the case. If it begins to seem that without your personal intervention in all the little things of family life, everything will immediately collapse, it's time for you to go on vacation for a month. Preferably in places where there are no long-distance telephones or calls are too expensive.

Does not help? It's time to go to work or change it to a more responsible one. Wouldn't you like to realize yourself in some other business, besides cleaning, cooking and checking lessons? Free up time for this by transferring responsibility to another woman for what she is capable of and likes, but for you it is unprincipled. Separation of areas of responsibility is a difficult and nerve-wracking business. But two mistresses in the house, each of whom considers herself responsible for everything, is much worse.

It is necessary to get along with the mother-in-law and establish good relations from the first days. But at the first opportunity, leave with your husband away. As the practice of most couples shows, relationships improve when all families live separately!

How to get along with mother-in-law? Jokes about the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law would not be so popular among the people if it were easy for two women. The situation becomes more complicated when the newlyweds are forced after the wedding without the funds to purchase or rent their own housing. So, with the husband's mother?

How to get along with mother-in-law?

Marrying a beloved and loving man, you should not expect that his parents will immediately be imbued with tender feelings for you. First of all, this concerns the mother of the spouse, who cannot help but feel jealous of the “invader”, even being a smart and self-sufficient woman. Trying to get along with the mother-in-law, one should not expect love from her. People who suddenly become relatives in the eyes of the law are not at all obliged to treat each other warmly.

Not only those who immediately count on love are mistaken, but also those who actively try to earn it. A deliberate demonstration of one's own talents and virtues will not help to achieve the goal. A respectful attitude on the part of the daughter-in-law will be appreciated by the mother-in-law more than, for example, the ability to cook well.

New family rules

How to get along with the mother-in-law in one apartment? The daughter-in-law must understand that she is actually invading someone else's house, in which there are long-established traditions. Some of them may seem strange and redundant, but this will have to be accepted in order to avoid conflicts. If, say, joint meals are accepted in the family, you should not defiantly ignore them, have dinner in your room.

This does not mean that the newlywed should completely abandon their own habits, views on the coexistence of family members. The main thing is to carry out "reforms" gradually, refraining from sudden changes. In this case, the chances are high that the husband's mother will agree to meet halfway. Otherwise, you can limit innovations in the territory of your personal room, and give the mother-in-law all the remaining space.

Permissible limits

How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same apartment so that there are no conflicts? While respecting the wishes of your husband's mother, you should not forget your own needs. A woman who constantly sacrifices her interests will feel unhappy, which will negatively affect her relationship with her husband. For example, being a staunch vegetarian, it is not at all necessary to eat meatballs, even if this is the mother-in-law's signature dish.

Talking about personal space should not be postponed "for later." The daughter-in-law has every right not to want her room to be invaded without knocking, to take her belongings without asking, and so on. Of course, it is necessary to report this in the most correct form, to try so that the list of “requirements” does not turn out to be too long.

So how do you get along with your mother-in-law? Of course, the daughter-in-law should not only insist on keeping the distance, but also not forget about it herself. It is likely that there are things in the house that cannot be touched, and the mother-in-law does not report this simply out of politeness. A frank conversation solves many problems.

Independence

How to get along with your mother-in-law so that everyone is happy? Often people get married before they become completely financially independent. However, it is naive to constantly resort to the help of the husband's mother and at the same time count on her respect. If a young family is fully supported by the parents, they feel entitled to actively interfere in the life of the spouses, comment on their behavior and actions, and give advice. This can have a negative impact on relationships.

These days, even full-time students can easily find part-time jobs. This is beneficial not only in terms of financial independence. Having got a job, the daughter-in-law will see her mother-in-law much less often, which will positively affect their relationship. If there is an urgent need for money, it is more expedient to ask for the necessary amount on credit, and not free of charge.

Compliance with subordination

We study further the question of how to get along with the mother-in-law. Nowadays, the tradition of calling the mother-in-law mother is gradually disappearing. At least in the first months of cohabitation, it is preferable to use the name and patronymic, address "you". Of course, if the mother-in-law herself insists on the “mother” option, you should not actively resist. Even if at first it sounds a little false, you can gradually get used to it.

Household

Many are interested in how to get along with the mother-in-law under one roof. Research shows that homework is an inexhaustible source of conflict. Every woman, no matter how old she is, has her own views on housekeeping, which she considers to be truly correct.

While the daughter-in-law lives on the territory of the mother-in-law, she has to give in mainly to her. This does not mean that you have to do a lot of unusual things for yourself, for example, agree to participate in daily wet cleaning if you are used to mopping floors twice a week. It is better to express admiration for the culinary talents of the husband's mother and ask her for recipes for her signature dishes.

Some part of household duties should definitely be taken on, even if the mother-in-law tries to continue to do everything on her own, otherwise in the near future this will become a reason for reproaches.

Common interests

Considering the question of how a daughter-in-law can get along with her mother-in-law, it is worth saying that people who have common topics for conversation find it much easier to get along with each other. You should not wait for the husband's mother to make the first move, as this may never happen. Finding out the hobby of a new relative is quite simple. Of course, interest in her hobbies must be sincere. You should not, for example, talk about your love for four-legged friends, suffering from allergies. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, causing the relationship to worsen rather than improve.

Spending time together is the shortest path to friendship. It is possible that both women like to go to the theater or indulge in shopping. Why not do it together from time to time - at least once a month? You can also offer your husband's mother a joint visit to the pool or gym if she expresses a desire to play sports. In the end, there are banal walks in the park, useful not only for relationships, but also for health.

Attention

How to make cohabitation with the mother-in-law peaceful, avoid conflicts? Any person likes when they show attention to him. This does not mean that you need to stuff a woman into girlfriends. It is enough just from time to time to show interest in her life, ask about success at work, congratulate her on important dates.

It is also worth learning to listen to the mother-in-law's advice, even if she gives them all the time, without waiting for a corresponding request. It is not at all necessary to follow the recommendations of the husband's mother, but do not ignore her words. After all, from a woman who is much older and more experienced, you can always hear something really useful.

In addition, do not forget about compliments, it is necessary to focus on precisely those qualities that the mother-in-law loves most in herself. It is difficult to find a person who does not have any virtues, the main thing is the ability to discover them. It is highly likely that the mother-in-law as a result will learn to notice the positive aspects of the daughter-in-law. It is not easy to treat badly a person who sincerely praises you.

Talk about son

How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same house peacefully? Of course, married life is difficult to imagine without conflicts. Spouses, even if they love each other very much, from time to time there are certain claims to the second half. It is strictly forbidden to discuss the shortcomings of the husband with his mother. We must not forget that every woman sincerely considers her own child the best. The daughter-in-law's complaints about her son will hardly meet with sympathy; rather, it will hopelessly ruin relations with her mother-in-law.

Talking about a husband with his mother should only be done in a positive way. She will be pleased to hear praise for her child. It is worth noting that it was she who was involved in his upbringing. Why not show gratitude?

Making a list

How to get along with mother-in-law? The advice of a psychologist, unfortunately, does not always help. What to do if the mother of the spouse refuses to make contact, continues to provoke conflicts? Constantly hearing reproaches from the mother-in-law, you should make a list of her complaints and analyze it. It is possible that the list will also include fair reproaches. Let's say the husband's mother does not like the fact that she is forced to take on the lion's share of the housework.

Separately noting fair claims, you can think over and write down answers to unfair reproaches. This is necessary in order to calmly and reasonably discuss the current situation with the mother-in-law, without surrendering to the power of emotions and not falling for provocations.

We do not inflate conflicts

Is it possible to get along with the mother-in-law if she likes to sort things out in a raised voice? Unfortunately, this also happens. In this case, it is worth doing the way diplomats act. No need to try to outshout the opponent, you just need to agree with him in everything. At the same time, the voice should remain measured and calm. Any debater will be confused when he hears that he is absolutely right. In the end, you can wean the mother-in-law from scandals by constantly agreeing with her and not succumbing to provocations.

Of course, we are talking about a conflict in which only one side is guilty. If the quarrel occurred through the fault of the daughter-in-law, you should not start a "cold war" with the husband's mother, refuse to communicate, and so on. The ability to admit one's wrong is a quality that has been valued at all times.

Husband involvement

You should not say unpleasant things about your mother-in-law to your soulmate, no matter how huge the temptation is. It is extremely rare to find people who have a negative attitude towards their own mothers. You can connect your husband to the conflict only as a last resort, if the situation is completely out of control. It is also not recommended to set him up against his mother, such actions will only spoil the relationship between the spouses.

Children

How to get along with the mother-in-law if she actively intervenes in the upbringing of children, guided solely by her own views? Many women, seeing the "second mother" as an enemy, try to limit her communication with the child. The main victim in such a situation is the baby, as adults unconsciously draw him into their conflict.

It is much better to spend time calmly explaining to the husband’s mother what exactly she is doing wrong in what is connected with raising children, taking care of them. In order for the result of the conversation to meet expectations, you need to back up your words with thoughtful arguments, refer to the opinion of specialists.

Useful literature

“How do you get along with your mother-in-law? 63 simple rules "- a wonderful book, authored by Irina Korchagina. This manual is aimed at women who have recently entered into marriage and have not yet mastered the art of communicating with relatives of the second half. The book contains simple recommendations. Using them, you can easily put an end to the "battles" with your husband's mother. Useful information will be able to gather for themselves and the fair sex, who have been married for a long time, but have not yet learned how to get along with their mother-in-law.

This work is useful not only for daughters-in-law, but also for women whose son is going to marry or is already married. The author does not take sides, sincerely cheering for all the participants in the conflict.

Catherine! The mother-in-law really wants to show you her territory and, especially, how caring and necessary she is! To put it simply, she wants attention! In a case like yours, you can do it differently, there are several options: talk face-to-face with your mother-in-law and explain all your inconveniences on your own, because a person may really not understand which ones inconvenience you experience! Also, you can talk to your husband with your mother - this will be a "back" conversation, which can cause the mother-in-law's aggression towards you. You can ask your husband to move out to rented accommodation. Living separately, of course, is great !!)) But you have a construction site .. Which means it's expensive! What remains? Talk! And talk to you! Your problem, your mother-in-law, your inconvenience, your health!)) In our life, nothing happens just like that! Every person that comes into your life is a teacher. What does your mother-in-law want to teach you? What does she want to tell you? You know very well the nuances in your family life, which means you know exactly what you should learn in this family. Perhaps you don’t really want to undergo such training ...)) But life sometimes teaches such lessons !!!)) Which will definitely come in handy in the future! Prepare for the conversation ahead of time. Warn your opponent that you want to talk, indicate the topic of conversation, choose a time convenient for both of you and say this:

Active listening: When you convey to a person information about his feelings in a narrative form! For example: you are happy, you are calm, you are happy, you are scared, you are offended. And also you talk about your feelings: I'm glad, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm offended, I'm upset. In this way, you make it clear to the person that you understand his feelings, and clearly explain your emotions so that you are understood clearly and correctly.

Communication tactics: You speak for 15-20 minutes, and the interlocutor listens to you attentively and does not interrupt, does not ask questions. Then the interlocutor speaks for 15-20 minutes, and you listen and do not interrupt. Then, 30-40 minutes to discuss your statements without shouting and reproaches. It is desirable to find a compromise solution that suits both of you.

Mother-in-law parable.

In ancient China, a girl who got married lived in her husband's house and served him and his mother. It so happened that one girl, after the wedding, was not able to endure the constant reproaches of her mother-in-law. She decided to get rid of it. The girl went to an herbalist who was a friend of her father. She told him:
“I can no longer live with my mother-in-law. She drives me crazy. could you help me? I will pay well.
- What can I do for you? - Asked the herbalist.
- I want you to sell me poison. I will poison my mother-in-law and get rid of all troubles - she answered.
After much thought, the herbalist said:
- Okay, I'll help you. But you must understand two things. First, you can't poison your mother-in-law right away because people will guess what happened. I will give you herbs that will gradually kill her, and no one will think that she was poisoned. Secondly, in order to completely avoid any suspicion, you must tame your anger, learn to respect her, love, listen and be patient. Then no one will suspect you when she dies.
The girl agreed to everything, took the herbs and began to add them to her mother-in-law's food. In addition, she learned to control herself, listen to her mother-in-law and respect her. When she saw how her daughter-in-law's attitude towards her had changed, she fell in love with the girl with all her heart. She told everyone that her daughter-in-law is the best, one that one can only dream of.
Six months later, the relationship between them became close, as between a natural mother and her daughter.
And then one day the girl came to the herbalist and prayed:
- For God's sake, please save my mother-in-law from the poison I gave her. I don't want to kill her. She has become the most beautiful mother-in-law and I love her.
The herbalist smiled and replied:
Don't worry, I didn't give you any poison. What I gave you is just spices. The poison was only in your head, and you got rid of it yourself.
***
The same goes for most of our problems. They are the poison that poisons our lives. But a poison that is only in our minds. Think about whether your problem is really that serious.
P.S.
Think about how important your current problem will be in 10-15 years. Do you remember her at all?

According to sociological surveys, approximately 50% of women find a common language with their mother-in-law, sometimes they even love her as their own. Whereas the second half of the spouse's mother successfully poisons life. Potentially conflicting mothers-in-law are divided into five types. They act using different tactics, and the cause of conflicts is the same - a feeling of jealousy and competition for the son's attention. How to get along with a mother-in-law of a certain type will be discussed in detail in this article.

The first type: the mother-in-law is a dictator

This woman is used to keeping everything under control and managing everyone. There is no authority for her, and the opinion of her daughter-in-law usually worries her the least. A mother-in-law of this type immediately after the wedding will unceremoniously enter your house and begin to establish her own rules. It is very difficult to get along under the same roof with such a woman, usually it does not end with anything good. Who wants to hear ten times a day reproaches, like “I told you…”? A dictatorial mother-in-law can easily enter your room without knocking whenever she pleases. Almost everything in her daughter-in-law annoys her: how she looks, speaks, moves, takes care of her husband, and so on. Their main weapon is obsession and unceremoniousness. They are great masters of weaving intrigues and "putting in place."

A daughter-in-law often has to wonder how to live with her mother-in-law in the same house, without quarreling.

Help with this advice from psychologists.

Life under one roof - psychology

You moved into your mother-in-law's house - and here there will almost certainly be problems especially the first time.

1. Mother-in-law is on her territory. She feels like the mistress of the house. There are her rules.
2. The mother-in-law got used to a certain rhythm of life, and the young couple disturbs the prevailing atmosphere.
3. Two mistresses Difficulty living in the same kitchen. Most likely, the mother-in-law will be critical of the daughter-in-law. Perhaps she thinks she wants to do good by giving advice, not always realizing that this can annoy her son's wife.
4. Most of the husband's mothers unhappy bride. This is due primarily to jealousy, the fact that the son no longer belongs completely to her.
5. The ability and desire of both parties is important compromise.

It often happens that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law try to interfere with their man, hoping for his support.

He is forced to be between two fires, loving both women, and it is difficult for him to take one side without offending the other.

How to get along in one apartment?

A few simple rules help make life easier:

To take a break from the constant presence of your mother-in-law, spend time with your husband together - rest, restaurants, walks in nature.

How to find a common language?

Your mother-in-law has a lot of knowledge, and you may well learn from her this experience. Ask her to teach you how to cook some delicious dish. She will be pleased that you ask her advice.

If you have just moved into an apartment, do not immediately begin to actively defend your rights, let your mother-in-law get used to the fact that you now live in their house.

However, it is important to make it clear that you are now complete family member, you and your husband have a personal space, in which it is not always correct to interfere.

Joint business unites. Offer your help in cleaning, rolling vegetables, in the country.

If you live together, then you will have to help your mother-in-law with the housework, since now you are a full-fledged member of the family and live together.

The mother-in-law is a mother who loves her son, and like any mother, she experiences, because now another woman has captured his attention.

She will have to put up with with the presence of a daughter-in-law, but this does not always happen. Some mothers do not want to compromise, accept their son's wife, and no action, no attempt to establish contact helps.

How to tolerate my husband's mother?

Annoying mother-in-law, we live together: what to do? Your job is first and foremost learn to deal with your own emotions. The other person is not responsible for your state and mood, just as you are not responsible for his feelings.

Try to disengage if your mother-in-law constantly pesters you. In the end, you are not obliged to respond to her accusations, screams, complaints. You can pretend to listen, but it is not necessary to perceive and memorize information at all.

It is likely that without meeting an answer and resistance, the woman herself will soften after a while and wants to make contact.

An excellent reception is to try to find in the mother-in-law. There is something positive in every person. Perhaps your mother-in-law is an excellent teacher or a good cook, or maybe she is a creative person.

Find positive qualities in her and then it will be easier to communicate. Ask her about the years of her youth, how she met her husband, let her tell about her son's childhood.

Good memories soften people. If you tune in to the same wavelength with your mother-in-law, it will be easier for you to find a common language.

Another way- build relationships as if you are employees working in the same territory. In this case, you do not need to show vivid emotions - joy or anger, you simply organize communication on a business basis.

You meet in the morning, have breakfast, solve joint issues, maintaining a business style of communication. Over time, relations can become more friendly, when the mother-in-law understands what her daughter-in-law is like, how successful she is in family life.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Once feeling weak, the mother-in-law will take advantage of this, and each time her pressure will increase. At the same time, she will begin to criticize you already openly, discredit you in front of her son, pointing out any of your shortcomings.

That is why it is important to build relationships with relatives from the first day of living together.

However, the ability to stand up for oneself does not mean scandals, high-pitched conversations.

On the contrary, your speech should be as calm and convincing as possible. Let your mother-in-law know exactly what you don't like and why. Be sure to include a reason and not just: I don't want to.

How to diversify family life? you will find on our website.

I can’t live with my mother-in-law: what should I do?

It also happens that conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law happen daily. It is no longer possible to live together - the husband, children, wife suffer. The mother-in-law in every possible way survives the daughter-in-law from the house, gets into relationships, trying to destroy them.

Trying to remain calm, to be patient, does not lead to anything. In this case, the most acceptable option is to move to another apartment.

The health of your family should be in the forefront, so if the situation is out of control, then it is better to find a separate accommodation. You can rent an apartment or take out a mortgage.

If you have been as calm and reasonable as possible all the time, then a tactical step would be to speak in raised tones.

One day, your emotions will heat up so much that you need to throw them out.

speak openly, what does not suit you, show your anger that has accumulated inside.

Tactics are not suitable for everyone - it is important to take into account the nature of the person and his possible reaction.

After such violent manifestations mother-in-law can finally reach that there are moments that you do not like.

A short and sharp conflict should be single and not develop into a habit.

How to convince a spouse to settle separately?

The husband does not want to move out from his mother - this is a big problem.

A woman wants to live with us: what to do?

The mother-in-law has decided to live with you, and of course you don't want that.

Such a desire most often arises in single women or those who want to completely control their son even after he has married.

What to do in this case:

• let the son directly explain to the mother that this is impossible;
• explain to her that you have your own rhythm, your own life, and you have the right to independence;
• a young family should live separately from their parents - this is one of the factors of family happiness;
• talk to your husband and say that you don’t mind if your mother comes to visit, but you don’t want her to live with you for specific reasons - these reasons must be voiced;
• if the decision is made, and the husband’s mother moves to you, try to calm down and think over the tactics of communicating with her - do not give her the opportunity to take power in your house into her own hands, immediately set boundaries.

How to survive it from our house?

If the mother-in-law appeared in your house and stayed there to live, set boundaries immediately.

Do not let her command you, change the arrangement of things in your house.

It is not necessary to roll up scandals, it is enough to calmly talk about what is here your territory and mistress you.

There are more stringent measures, for example, turn on loud music, go to bed late, invite guests often, that is, do everything so that the mother-in-law feels maximum discomfort.

The main thing is to do it in such a way as not to offend anyone, but at the same time make it clear to the person that he is superfluous in your house and does not fit into your lifestyle.

One of the correct ways is talk directly. You need to decide on a conversation, and it’s better if your husband supports you. Explain to the mother-in-law that you appreciate and respect her, but the young family wants to live separately.

In communication with the mother-in-law, the main thing is - be patient, remain calm and not react to provocations on her part.

How to get along with mother-in-law? Psychology and rules of behavior of the daughter-in-law: