How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same house. Psychology of relations with the mother-in-law - life under one roof is joy or sadness? Life under one roof - psychology

For some, they become second parents, for other women - the closest enemies. However, the main rivalry in the struggle for the attention of your spouse will take place with the mother-in-law, because she is his mother and, before meeting you, is probably the closest person.

Unfortunately, one can often hear from young women: “She sets him up against me, the family”, “She interferes with our relationship”, etc. Very rarely I hear positive and proper reviews: "We were able to find each other", "She is a great mother for us", "My mother-in-law is the best, she is a caring grandmother for our children...".

We have to observe different relationships between mothers and daughters-in-law, hear absolutely opposite opinions and sort out the most difficult crises in their relationship. How to build a benevolent, good relationship and get along with your mother-in-law under one roof? It is in this unanswerable question for many women that the current advice of an expert psychologist can help.

Of course, mothers-in-law, like all other people, are different: smart and stupid, tolerant and absurd, eternal housewives and modern business women. But they all need sympathy, a friendly attitude, attention and, above all, respect. Do not forget that everyone wants to be recognized for their merits, thanked for their efforts, shared joy and sadness.

The most optimal and effective tactics for building relationships with the mother-in-law are the following rules:

1. Setting boundaries. Your relationship should be comfortable for both parties. To do this, report at the most convenient opportunity, in a calm atmosphere, about what is permissible and what cannot be violated under any circumstances. It can be agreements about anything that is actually very important for you (raising children, choosing furniture for your bedroom, rest time, order in your room, apartment, etc.) Something that can be a high priority in relations with husband's mother for you - may not be of any importance to her. Therefore, it is important to speak and build your boundaries, while at the same time specifying the aspects of interaction and further communication that are important for the mother-in-law. Respecting her interests, you will have the right to have your own and defend them.

2. Acceptance. It is this point that can cause internal resistance in many, but at the same time it will help you a lot. The point is that by accepting the mother of your beloved as she is, you will stop amusing yourself with not always justified expectations, and will not waste energy on resistance, attempts to remake her character and habits. After all, accepting a person as he is, it is easier to find a compromise in communication and understand many actions and deeds.

3. Openness. No need to be "white and fluffy" - you are unlikely to feel comfortable playing a role that is not natural for you. Remember that we are all human and have the right to not be perfect, to make mistakes. Being himself, a person has a level of aggression towards the environment is always much lower. Be lenient with your mother-in-law's right to make mistakes. She will certainly appreciate it and in many ways will change her attitude towards you.

4. Willingness to learn. Your husband lived most of his conscious life with his mother, and what she gave him, starting from birth, is of the greatest value to your spouse. These may be certain well-established habits in building a family budget, cooking, keeping the house in order, ironing shirts, etc. It is important to try to learn what is acceptable for you, because the husband has already laid down the fact that certain things should be done exactly the way mom does it. And adding a couple of points to your personal arsenal of talents and opportunities to become the best for your spouse in one skill or another is only a plus for your couple's relationship. So if you have something to learn, go for it. Almost every son-loving mother will be pleased to pass on her skill so that her child will be just as comfortable when she is not around.

5. Find Relationships Wisely. Living separately or still together under the same roof with your mother-in-law - never sort things out with your loved one in her presence. It is also wrong to find a common language with the husband's mother in the presence of him nearby. How to avoid disassembly in this case? Always remember that any mother - yours or his - will always worry more about her child in her heart. Therefore, leave a serious conversation for the one whom it directly concerns - it can be your room, a walk separately, a car, any place for solitude. Being apart, your husband will hear much better what you want to say, without feeling the support of your mother nearby and not having an audience for demonstration performances around. Similarly, a conversation with the mother-in-law will be much more effective when the son is not nearby - after all, any mother next to her child has a lot of reasons to defend her self and avoid the opportunity to admit that she was wrong.

Always remember that relationships with a husband and mother-in-law are two completely different behaviors that should never be confused. Having built relationships with your spouse, they will not automatically arise with your mother. Any relationship needs to be built and always maintained and improved. Having created your own family, you can live with your mother-in-law for some time, but your task during this time is only to improve your relationship with your spouse, sincerely love each other, cherish your young family, so that soon, having created your cozy nest, continue a separate happy family life and, of course, with great pleasure to accept

To understand the reason for the appearance of conflicts with the husband's mother, you need to mentally put yourself in her place. It immediately becomes clear that the appearance of a daughter-in-law in the house disrupts the usual course of things. The mother-in-law has been equipping her house and life for years, and now a person has appeared who is trying to make his own adjustments to the already established way of life. It is clear that it is necessary to do this, because she also has her own habits and preferences. This is the thought that needs to be conveyed to the mother-in-law.

The bulk of the conflicts between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law occur not because of hostility towards each other or a complex nature, but because of the violation of family rules by the daughter-in-law.

How to survive in the same house as your mother-in-law

With the mother-in-law, you must try to establish a psychological distance. You don't have to act unnatural to make yourself look better. She will notice it anyway and will not appreciate such efforts.

You should not start to put things in order in the mother-in-law's house on the very first day after the move. In this case, it is worth being patient and waiting for time.

Even before moving to the mother-in-law, it is important to discuss everyday issues. In such a conversation, do not be shy to ask questions and put forward your suggestions. It should be clear how the housekeeping will be distributed: who will be responsible for food and who will be responsible for laundry.

The financial issue is also of great importance. It is necessary to agree on who will buy food, household chemicals and other things for common use. By the way, in this case it would be much more reasonable to maintain separate budgets.

Morally, you need to be prepared for the fact that the mother-in-law will begin to teach how to run a household. She can do this delicately, throwing meek remarks with a smile, or, conversely, starting a long fiery speech in which a sharp emphasis will be placed on things that she did not like. But in this or that case, it is important to remain calm. Perhaps even the mother-in-law will try to specifically bring her daughter-in-law to emotions, then all the more it is worth keeping herself in control. It is more likely that after a while the husband's mother will calm down, noticing that the daughter-in-law does not react to her negativity.

And, of course, in order not to turn the mother-in-law against yourself, you need to remember and observe one, but extremely important rule: under no circumstances should you sort things out with your husband in the presence of your mother-in-law. It must be understood that she is a mother who will always be on the side of her child. And even if the mother-in-law does not interfere in the skirmishes between her

According to sociological surveys, approximately 50% of women find a common language with their mother-in-law, sometimes they even love her as their own. Whereas the second half of the spouse's mother successfully poisons life. Potentially conflicting mothers-in-law are divided into five types. They act using different tactics, and the cause of conflicts is the same - a feeling of jealousy and competition for the son's attention. How to get along with a mother-in-law of a certain type will be discussed in detail in this article.

The first type: the mother-in-law is a dictator

This woman is used to keeping everything under control and managing everyone. There is no authority for her, and the opinion of her daughter-in-law usually worries her the least. A mother-in-law of this type immediately after the wedding will unceremoniously enter your house and begin to establish her own rules. It is very difficult to get along under the same roof with such a woman, usually it does not end with anything good. Who wants to hear ten times a day reproaches, like “I told you…”? A dictatorial mother-in-law can easily enter your room without knocking whenever she pleases. Almost everything in her daughter-in-law annoys her: how she looks, speaks, moves, takes care of her husband, and so on. Their main weapon is obsession and unceremoniousness. They are great masters of weaving intrigues and "putting in place."

Hearing that when you get married, you are going to settle in your mother-in-law's house, married girlfriends are likely to be horrified. However, it happens that a young family still does not have the opportunity to live separately. How to be?

The main problem is to share spheres of influence with her husband's mother. Any woman needs her own home, and since you leave your “familiar” place for the sake of your husband, you have the right to expect that the new place will become your new home. However, the mother-in-law lived there long before you and did a good job with the household.

Love? Simply respect

If you decide to live in your mother-in-law's house, you become a member of her family. Determine for yourself whether your mother-in-law suits you as a person as a whole? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider your husband's mother as a member of your family? Are you ready to greet her every morning, and if possible - friendly? Are you sincerely ready to choose a gift for her on her birthday? Ready not to share her son with her? If inwardly you consider her as an “extra” person, as an obstacle to your family happiness, your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh everything sensibly, even before the wedding.

Definition of boundaries

At the stage of entry of the “new mistress” into the husband’s house, all conflicts between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law occur not at all because one of them did some particular “wrong thing”, but because of the violation by one side of the boundaries of the personal space of the other. For each person, these boundaries are located in different places, and determining their location using the “scientific poke” method is flammable. Living in the same house with a new person who belongs to a different generation and has been formed as a person in completely different conditions than you is possible only if you remember every minute: you and your mother-in-law are completely different.

You should not rely on intuition, especially on your own opinion, it will only harm you in this situation. Discuss the joint life in advance, and as far as possible, find out everything openly and to the smallest detail. Remember that your marital status is lower than that of your mother-in-law for many reasons: she is your husband's mother, she is older, she is the mistress of the house where you are going to live. It's not that you are forever destined for the role of Cinderella. However, it is you who should ask the mother-in-law how she sees your participation in the household. First of all, you yourself are interested in building with your husband's mom a good relationship so don't wait for her to share her views with you. Start a conversation first

Discuss financial matters with your husband before you move. You must clearly know in which direction financial flows flow in the family. The difference in age and tastes often prevents the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law from having a common budget and living peacefully - at the same time. For a young woman, how she looks is much more important than how good a greenhouse is in the country. In most cases, however, a separate budget with a common household is a successful way out, and many mothers-in-law themselves insist on this. You will be simultaneously spared from the title of "spoiled winder" and from the need to remember all the time about gardening tools. The mother-in-law, on the other hand, will be insured against getting a shock due to the fact that she finds out the price of a ticket to a fashionable theatrical premiere.

About how to behave if separate housing looms in the distant future, and young people are forced to exist on the same square meters as their mother-in-law, we asked the psychologist, the founder of the Happy Family Center, Irina Korchagina.

I will repay, or history repeats itself

Every woman first lives in the status of a daughter-in-law and suffers from the oppression of her mother-in-law. She then becomes a mother-in-law herself. It would seem that a woman should remember her suffering, draw conclusions and say to herself: I was tormented by my mother-in-law, now I will not oppress an innocent girl who married my son, and I will not cause her suffering. Not! This is not happening! A woman, moving from the status of a daughter-in-law to the status of a mother-in-law, seems to say to herself: well, now you will answer for my suffering. She rolls up her sleeves and with increased force begins to do with her daughter-in-law what her mother-in-law once did with her.

Why is this happening? The explanation lies on the surface: the whole existence of man is built on rivalry. Men fight for territories, for power, for markets, for women. Well, women - women fight for men. The rivalry between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law is dominated by non-contact battles, although sometimes they are fought in such a way that shreds fly through the back streets.

The mother-in-law is always neither a friend nor an enemy, but a rival.

We take as a basis that you got a good mother-in-law. She tells her daughter-in-law that she is always on her side and, like a woman, she will always understand and support her. Don't believe! In the most critical moments, the mother-in-law will always take the side of her son, because he is her blood, flesh of her flesh. In relations with the mother-in-law, you should always be on your guard, never relax and keep a reasonable distance. It is ideal to live as far away from the mother-in-law as possible. Best of all - in another city. But this condition, unfortunately, is rarely feasible, so I propose some rules that will help you maintain a comfortable relationship with your mother-in-law.

Divide the beds correctly

It is no coincidence that they say that two housewives do not get along in the same kitchen, so if you had to share a roof with your husband's parents, find yourself an unoccupied niche in the household. It's a niche! If you do nothing, you will be accused of idleness. If you grab onto everything in a row, this will be regarded as an attempt on the master's territory, and war is guaranteed for you, so a correctly found niche will save you.

For example, your mother-in-law is a wonderful hostess, but she does not know how to sew, then start sewing something for your husband, even some shorts for giving. If you don’t know how to sew at all and don’t even know how to pick up scissors, then find some craftsman, let them cut these shorts for you, and with a smart face you will pretend that you are processing the seams.

The main thing is that the mother-in-law observes you with work in hand, and then sees the result of your work on her adored son. This is enough to build a reputation.

Take into account that all your economic efforts should be intended only for your husband, that is, her son. Any other innovation of the daughter-in-law will be rejected and even written down as a liability.

If, for example, you notice that your mother-in-law does not sew curtains, and decide to fill this gap in the household with your own hands, sew new curtains and put them on the windows, they will simply be removed as an object that brings disorder into the house traditions that have been established for years.

I also don't recommend getting into cooking. A big mistake many women make is trying to cook something from the repertoire of their husband's mother.

The daughter-in-law may take an interest in the recipe, she can even memorize it and quote it at every opportunity, but in no case should you try to put this recipe into work.

This is the very competition that the daughter-in-law will never win. Yes, there is a great temptation to cook his favorite empanadas (dumplings with garlic, charlotte with apples) according to his mother's recipe. It seems to the daughter-in-law that, having mastered the famous mother's recipe, she will kill two birds with one stone: she will please her mother-in-law, as she will continue family tradition, and will please her husband, as she will prepare his favorite dish. But this is an illusion!

The trick here is very simple: it does not matter what and how the wife cooks. She can do it very well, and the dish will be great. But it will be different. It will necessarily be different, because the same ingredients in different hands give different results. This is a known fact. And the son is used to absorbing what his mother has been preparing all previous years. Habit is a great power! And in this case, the habit will become the weapon that will bring victory points to the mother-in-law. Therefore, never undertake to cook his mother's favorite dishes! And anyway, why do you need to cook? Let her do it, accustomed to doing it year after year. And your diocese is the bedroom. Do magic there!

Keep your distance

Very often, the mother-in-law offers friendship to her daughter-in-law and starts heart-to-heart conversations with her, she offers her friendship to her. How easy it is for girls to fall for this hook! And in fact - who refuses to have intimate conversations? I warn you: you need to be friends with your mother-in-law very carefully, keeping an honorable distance. And not everyone should keep up the conversation. Especially if the mother-in-law likes to talk about her son. And she demands from her daughter-in-law to tell her everything. Everything!

To speak mother-in-law about her son, you need only good things and never succumb to her provocations to criticize her son along with her.

If she begins to do this, then criticism of her son should be stopped with a soft and insinuating intonation, but it is better to gracefully transfer the conversation to another topic.

It is also very important to remember that one cannot speak badly of the mother-in-law.

You can’t complain about your mother-in-law to your husband, you can’t ask him to appease his mother. When a wife complains to her husband about her mother, a real revolution begins in his head, bloody and merciless. Mom is the most precious thing in a person's life. And the wife encroaches on her mother! It doesn't matter if the criticism is fair. And it does not matter that the son himself often criticizes his own mother. He is allowed. She - no.

If something in the mother-in-law does not like, whether it is pleasant or not, but the wife must resolve her issue with the mother-in-law herself, and the husband must be taken out of the game. Women often put their hands on their hips and say: "Either me, or your mother." A very dangerous phrase! After all, this choice may not be decided in favor of the wife. Wives come and go, but mother is the only one and forever. Even if it seems to a woman that there is not a very good relationship between her mother-in-law and her son, even in these cases, it is impossible to put the question to her husband so sharply. Unless, of course, you want to get divorced. And if you want to save a relationship, don't play with fire!